Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
