Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
