Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm just crazy horny about you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The air was thick with penises
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.