i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
