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your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
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