You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass