I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
