shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas