drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At least make sure they are 18
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.