Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
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Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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