It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just invented taco cereal.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.