Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor