I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.