If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
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Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.