you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button