Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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