you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.