fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
someone owes me an orgasm
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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