If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dating After Heartbreak
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy