Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?