dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She bit a glass in half.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i dont even know how to be here
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall