Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.