I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
