Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in