just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
So many bounce houses so little time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?