For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love