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Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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