I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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