Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
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She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?