I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
a search helicopter?!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."