It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.