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I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Girls should come with a carfax report
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
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