No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
