Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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