I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.