i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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