Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets