and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest