She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
And the cops told us we were all naked.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina