Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
