I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."