Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize