Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up