I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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