Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
what day is it and did you see me today?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.