My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
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She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.