I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.