I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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