Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...