The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's Friday. Sex?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!