So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
