For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms